Sleep is essential for good health, both mental and physical. From brain function to physical recovery, the role sleep plays in our lives cannot be underestimated. But half of the population are missing out. The gender sleep gap refers to the differences in the quality of sleep men and women get.
From physical factors like hormone fluctuations, pregnancy and the menopause, to social factors like care-giving expectations and domestic responsibilities, there are many obstacles in the way for women to achieve quality rest.
Whether it’s going to the office after a night battling period insomnia, or picking up the housework and childcare after a night of disrupted sleep thanks to night sweats.
In fact, women are 41% more likely to experience insomnia than men. However, they’re expected to continue on all the same.
A recent study found that despite women reporting higher levels of fatigue than men, their fatigue is often underestimated compared to men’s being overestimated, implying that women are more used to coping with sleep deprivation.
But I wanted to look past the stats and hear from real women about their experience of the gender sleep gap. From CEOs and founders to full time mums, I’ve asked nine women to share their stories so we can better understand the barriers we face in getting a good night’s sleep and the impact this has on our day-to-day lives.
Nine women share their experience of the gender sleep gap
1. “Even when I do manage to sleep, it’s never as deep as I need it to be”
Catarina Tucker, Sleep Wellness Entrepreneur & Sensory Sleep Specialist
“As a mom and entrepreneur, sleep is something I obviously need but rarely get enough of,” explains Catarina, “especially with a baby who still wakes up at night to feed.”
“Once I put her down, I have about three to four hours before she wakes for another bottle, and I constantly debate between staying up to get things done or trying to sleep before my REM cycle gets disrupted.”
REM sleep is the stage of sleep characterized by rapid eye movement and dreaming. It’s when we process our emotions and consolidate memories, and it’s essential for brain health and function.
When we don’t get enough REM sleep, we can feel the effects of sleep deprivation, and some studies have proven a lack of REM sleep can lead to an increased risk of developing dementia.
“Even when I do manage to sleep, it’s never as deep as I need it to be because I’m always half-aware, listening for her,” Catarina explains.
This prolonged time in light sleep can reduce the amount of essential and highly restorative deep sleep we need for physical and mental recovery.
“One thing that’s helped me make the most of my broken sleep patterns is using scent and deep pressure to calm my nervous system fast—so I don’t waste time tossing and turning, knowing I’ll be up again soon.”
2. “I’m frequently the last to go to bed and the first to wake in the morning”
Elle Taylor, Managing Editor for Woman and Home
“I have two sons, aged four and 17 months,” Elle explains, “the killer combination of biology and terrible paternity leave in the UK means that my partner and I almost immediately fell into the trap of me covering all of the kids’ nighttime wakeups.”
It honestly makes me feel resentful of my partner at times but we’re in it now and just praying the little one learns to sleep through asap
In the UK, new fathers are only entitled to one to two weeks of paternity leave, paid at £184.03 per week or 90% of their average weekly earnings, whichever is lower. In the US there is no legal paid paternity leave requirement.
“This sort of made sense when I was on maternity leave and my partner was working…” Elle continues, saying “it was quicker for me to breastfeed and cuddle them back to sleep (thanks, biology) and I could occasionally catch up on rest during their daytime naps.”
But the real issue started when Elle returned to work. “Neither boy magically started sleeping through the night, so I quickly became aware of the pain of juggling work life with operating on little sleep.”
“I’m frequently the last to go to bed and the first to wake in the morning, as well as waking two to three times in the night to soothe the toddler,” Elle explains.
“I even deal with the cats’ nighttime shenanigans sometimes! It honestly makes me feel resentful of my partner at times but we’re in it now and just praying the little one learns to sleep through asap.”
3. “By the time evening comes, we haven’t had a moment to truly just be ourselves”
Stephanie Rose, Founder of Firefly Scout
“As women, the more identities we carry, (child, spouse/partner, mom, house manager, employee, neighbor, etc) combined with the amount of expectations that each of these come with, the more we eventually lose ourselves to the events of the day.”
Women often have multiple caregiving responsibilities, both paid and unpaid, which result in less time for rest and sleep. These can include extended family members, children, neighbors, friends and colleagues.
“By the time evening comes, we haven’t had a moment to truly just be ourselves, to feel ‘off duty’ until the whole house is asleep,” Stephanie explains.
“That can result in sleep sabotage by staying up too late to either finally do something for yourself or numbing out and doom-scrolling.”
“This is how the sleep gap plays out for me as a business owner and homeschooling parent who uses my “off-duty” time to read (something that refuels my spirit and doing something for myself) but the more depleted I feel from the day, the longer I read.”
This highlights how the lack of leisure time in the day for women eats into their sleep time. “Reading over 100 books last year certainly highlights the struggle to get enough sleep each night,” adds Stephanie.
4. “My anxiety was at an all time high and I could not for the life of me sleep”
Tiffany Chesson, founder of Shift Happens Motherhood
“After giving birth my anxiety was at an all-time high and I could not for the life of me sleep. Instead I’d just lay awake all night panicking about everything, specifically the wellbeing of my child and the risk of SIDS,” Tiffany explains.
“This is definitely not something my husband experienced.”
Post-partum struggles can have a huge impact on sleep and last well beyond the allowed maternity leave time.
Fragmented sleep can lead to anxiety and anxiety can lead to fragmented sleep, resulting in a circle of poor mental health and sleep quality that’s difficult to break.
“One way I combatted this was to co-sleep – this really reduced my night wakings with the baby as a breastfeeding mum, because I could easily feed the baby without needing to properly wake up.”
Tiffany’s solution was effective, meaning the “baby’s sleep was less disturbed anyway so naturally there were less night wakings.”
5. “I feel permanently jetlagged”
Jenny Preistly, Content Director of TVBEurope
“I entered menopause almost 2.5 years ago at the age of 48 after talking to my Specialist,” Jenny explains.
“I’d been having very long and very heavy periods that had left me severely anaemic. She suggested that a series of injections would stop my periods and help me have a better life.”
From around midnight until 6am I will wake up every 40 minutes or so
Inducing menopause can be a treatment option for conditions like endometriosis, but it can bring on symptoms of menopause very suddenly, unlike the natural process where symptoms come and go in stages.
“Looking back, I’m not sure whether that was the best option as I’m just as exhausted now as I was then due to sleep deprivation.”
For Jenny, one of the worst symptoms of menopause was sleep disruption. “From around midnight until 6am I will wake up every 40 minutes or so,” she explains, saying “sometimes this is because of a hot flush, sometimes it’s just I’ve woken up.”
Jenny started to track her sleep to find out what triggered these issues. “Doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I will wake up numerous times,” she says after realizing nothing changed this waking pattern at night.
“This all means that whenever I do wake up to start my day (currently nearly always before 6am) I just don’t feel refreshed.” And it’s not surprising. A study revealed that menopausal women lose on average 2.5 hours of sleep a night.
“The best way I can describe it is that I feel permanently jetlagged.”
Jenny also can’t rely on coffee to give her a much needed boost of energy, because it can trigger her hot flushes. “One of my colleagues recently told me her flushes lasted five years which could mean I’m only halfway through. I dread to think how dark the circles under my eyes will be then.”
6. “My husband normally banks a full night’s sleep while I’m coasting on the fumes of broken sleep”
Claire Davies, Senior Sleep Editor for Tom’s Guide
“Like many of the other women we’ve heard from today, I haven’t had a ‘good’ night’s sleep in nearly three years. The last trimester of my pregnancy was full of hip pain, lower back pain and anxiety, making it impossibly to get comfy or ease my racing mind.
“When my son was born 30 months ago, sleep deprivation hit me like a freight train – and it’s a ride I’ve been on ever since,” Claire tells us.
“As a co-sleeping mum, 95% of my son’s night wakings fall to me. My husband would try to help but my once-velcro-baby-now-velcro-toddler won’t have a bar of him at night. So I let my husband rest while I tough it out in the other room.
“It isn’t fair, but it’s how it is right now. And it’s how our little family is surviving – with me as the sacrificial sleep lamb.”
I don’t believe in sleep-shaming babies and toddlers… but wow those frequent night wakings are a killer
Claire’s toddler isn’t sleeping through the night yet (no-one truly sleeps through the night anyway), making office days particularly challenging for her. “I don’t believe in sleep-shaming babies and toddlers as they’re teeny and learning how to sleep, but wow those frequent night wakings are a killer,” Claire admits.
“Coming into the office and leading a team of smart, driven and passionate people can sometimes feel like a lot after a night of poor sleep, but I’ve been learning lots of tricks to help me survive sleep deprivation.”
“I wish we had more open and non-judgmental conversation about solutions for addressing the gender sleep gap, because it’s brutal and it isn’t going anywhere.”
7. “I’ve had basically four years of poor sleep”
Anna Butterworth, FemTech pioneer and founder of Ultra Violet
“The biggest disruption to my sleep these days is my children,” Anna explains, “As a heavy sleeper my partner just doesn’t get as affected by it.”
And it’s not just immediately post-partem, Anna’s children are 2 and 3 years old. “When you consider that from the third trimester your sleep is disturbed, I’ve had basically 4four years of poor sleep which is having a serious knock on effect to the rest of my life,” she says.
For Anna, it’s not just her mental health that’s suffering, but her physical health, too. “My autoimmune condition is getting worse and I’ve developed a second,” she explains. “My brain fog and ability to focus throughout a work day is getting worse as well.”
My brain fog and ability to focus throughout a work day is getting worse as well
“Prior to children I found I was more inclined to have wakefulness throughout the night but taking magnesium regularly has really helped,” Anna explains.
Magnesium has been proven to stimulate GABA, which is a neurotransmitter that enhances sleep and reduces stress. It can slow down nerve activity, making it easier for people to drift off to sleep.
“Now, in the brief sleep opportunities I get I do fall asleep easily but I’m never given a particularly long stint of deep sleep. It is becoming very very noticeable.”
8. “I worried about my marriage, a disagreement, or my children finding their place in the world”
Meg Savane, Scientific Writer and SEO specialist
“I am a remote-working mother of four. At one point, maybe five years ago or so, I would have told you that sleep was difficult,” Meg says.
“I would get to sleep relatively easily, but my worries would wake me up at night, and I would often struggle to get back to sleep,” she continues.
Women often feel the burden of ensuring their family, friends and colleagues are emotionally well. This added mental load can increase levels of anxiety.
What is nighttime anxiety?
Nighttime anxiety is a common experience that keeps many people up at night. It can make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep, thanks to increased cortisol levels, a racing heart and a racing mind.
For Meg, this anxiety mainly focused on her family. “I worried about my marriage, a disagreement or my children finding their place in the world,” she explains.
Luckily, Meg was able to transform this pattern of worrying at night. “Today, it’s a very different story, even as I’m pretty sure that at 42, perimenopause is underway,” she says.
“Unless my sleep is riddled with dreams or my husband is snoring too loudly beside me, I sleep peacefully all night long and wake up feeling relatively refreshed.”
So, how did she do it?
“There are a few reasons I can point to for this,” Meg explains, outlining the three key changes that have helped: “I’ve done a lot of mindfulness and forgiveness work to release worries, anxiety, and stress. I exercise every single day except for Mondays. I take magnesium an hour before bed every night.”
9. “Every month would be punctuated by several sleepless nights in a row as period insomnia took hold”
Nicola Appleton, Sleep Editor at Tom’s Guide
“The discrepancy between how much sleep my partner and I each get began long before we had children,” Nicola explains.
“For me, every month would be punctuated by several sleepless nights in a row as period insomnia took hold, while my partner slept soundly all night long.”
Period insomnia is caused by the fluctuation in hormones. Research shows that REM sleep can be disrupted during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle, leading to frequent nighttime awakenings and fatigue during the day.
It also suggests that some women can experience a drop in melatonin levels (the sleepy hormone,) making it more difficult to fall asleep.
Nicola’s sleep disruptions only worsened when her and her partner decided to have children.
“Once we welcomed children into the world, the gulf between our sleep quality and duration only widened,” she explains.
“Sleeplessness caused by pregnancy hormone fluctuations and discomfort blended seamlessly into waking multiple times throughout the night to breastfeed.”
Once we welcomed children into the world, the gulf between our sleep quality and duration only widened
Like Anna Butterworth’s story, Nicola hasn’t seen an improvement in her sleep quality even now her children are older.
“I still get consistently less sleep than my partner,” she says, adding that “juggling the mental load of being busy working parents means we both get less sleep than we need.”
“Add in nighttime anxiety caused by a combination of hormonal fluctuations and the usual demands of modern life, and it’s common for me to get in the region of six hours of sleep per night,” Nicola says.
It’s generally recommended that adults get 7-9 hours of sleep a night to avoid sleep deprivation and maintain brain function and physical and mental health.
However, studies have shown new parents often get as little as four hours and 44 minutes of sleep a night. But this sleep deprivation isn’t an equal split between mothers and fathers.
A study by the University of Warwick found that mothers sleep an hour less in the first three months after giving birth, and father’s only sleep 15 minutes less.
